But I love-

“Being stuck in between the reality that forever isn’t promised and what the heart wants is a real bummer.” After twelve consecutive days of not talking, the longest the pair have went without communication, they both knew the inevitable was on the horizon. No texts, no calls, no retweets, complete silence. He was not showing any sign of ending the exile and she was getting broken with each passing day.

“But Bryan, I don’t know what to do… I love-” and she broke down into tears before finishing her sentence. I too, was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I give her the advice that she needs to hear or do I lie to her like she wanted to be lied to at that exact moment? It felt like a lose-lose situation and it had my brain completely locked in a knot for a few minutes.

“It’s like whatever I do, I am not good enough for him. What is wrong with me?” It was at this exact moment I knew that I could not tolerate this anymore. I knew she was hurting but she should not blame herself for him being a fool. I convinced myself that I was going to give her the truth that she deserved to hear, even though it was tough to hear. At the same time, I became a bit more reluctant because I did not want her knowing that I liked her. I wasn’t about to take advantage of a broken hearted soul at her most vulnerable time because I deserved better. After Jasmine, I learnt that I could not be anyone’s rebound no more. Instead of going off about how he was a fool, I eventually decided to take a backseat in the whole situtation for now and be what she wanted me to be; a shoulder to cry on.

Walking her back to her car as the rain poured, I wondered when would I actually going to tell her how I felt about her. My thoughts were disturbed by her unusual request to go home with her. She probably saw the hesitation on my face that she quickly tried to retract her offer but it was too late. I ran back inside to take my coat and grabbed the nearest pair of sneakers on my way out, not even sure I looked the door properly as we sped away from my place. Her mascara was still dried on her cheeks but I could not sit and stare at how pretty she was. How could someone be so pretty even with tears drenched on her face? I thought quietly to myself as I stared at her drive. 

“Sorry that it is a mess, I wasn’t expecting any guests today,” she apologised as we walked into her place. It was the first time I was at her home sober as usually I am there sloshed for a party hosted by her or one of her housemates. She told me along the way that no one was home today so I began my usual introspection of someone’s home as I usually do when I walk into a foreign place. The living room was small and cozy like majority of student housing. The arrangement of the room gave me a bit of anxiety as the tv was in front of the window, something my grandma had warned me against doing when I moved into my own place. “Firstly, it drained all the light out of the room and secondly, it makes it an easy target for thieves,” were my grandma’s exact words when she came to see my place for the first time. I don’t know why at that exact moment I was thinking about my grandma but I guess it was the nerves.

Disturbing me from my thoughts of her place was Missy as she walked by me on the way to her room. She gave me a lingering look, which got me wondering. I swear it felt as though she was pulling me upstairs with her as she looked back at me as she went up her beige coloured carpeted stairs. I followed suit and knocked on her door as I was always told to do before getting into any room. “Come in you little tease,” was her response. Tease? Me? What- Before I could finish my thought her hand reeled me into the room. The rest is a blur as I hit my head on entrance.

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